Are you Afraid of Commitment?Aug 09, 2020
Dear all my commitaphobes...
I don’t know if you know this about me but I’m an avoidant attachment type. I basically find it hard to commit to anyone because it may take away my freedom. I will always stand at arm’s length from the opposite sex in order to get rid of the closeness.
I use any excuse under the sun to keep my distance when I get close to someone
‘Oh they aren’t right for me’
‘They cant travel’
I’ll find any excuse maybe their fashion or who they hang around with or even what they eat! Haha, I know I’m crazy, right?
But this is something I have recognized in myself whilst studying the psychology of relationships, and its something I’m determined to heal in myself. Avoidants tend to be the least happy in relationships because they are always trying to distance themselves from vulnerability in order to refrain from being hurt. ( P.S. there is more information on this in my book)
I’m always searching for ways to become more vulnerable in relationships and to open my heart to let someone in because after all love is always worth it. It is the most beautiful intense feeling in the world and can really bring the best out people (if your not with a dill hole that is!)
I just finished the classic book Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus. What a book for understanding the opposite sex and how to work together to get the best out of a relationship. Every person male and female should read it! (even if you just wanna pull on a night out it will help aha)
What really stood out for me in the book was how he described the push and pull of intimacy and what it means. I found myself in the last few relationships pulling back when my partner steps forward.
Do you ever really like someone and then when they want to commit you freak out?
What about when you’re really enjoying your time with someone but they treat you so well you being to think they are ‘too nice’?
Or when a partner suddenly says I love you and your heart stops a bit?
Do you want to have sex with your partner but when they want to have sex with you, you all of a sudden don’t want to anymore?
When our partner shows this love for us, this can bring up some emotional wounds we have not yet healed. It may be from childhood or it may be from a past relationship. For me, I believe it’s from a past relationship where I was so hurt. I was deep in love and it was all ripped from under me. So now anytime someone shows me that love it brings up all emotional wounds. My brain is trying to stop me from being hurt. You know the way our bodies go into fight or flight when someone is about to attack us? yep, that is what our brain is doing when someone wants us to fall more in love with them. Our brain takes an emotional step back in order to stop us from feeling the same emotional pain as before. The next thing you know you have self-sabotaged and liked someone else’s photo on Instagram to cause distance.
So how do we get past this? first of all, we must recognize this emotional wound and bring it forward. It could be to do with a past relationship or maybe some sort of abandonment as a child. Realize that the reason we are stepping back may because we have been hurt before and we are scared of feeling that over again.
Secondly, we must let ourselves be vulnerable because as I said before love is always worth it. Even when it hurts, it has taught us a great deal and let’s be real being head over heels in love with someone, staring them straight in the eyes in bed is just the most amazing feeling, but only if we open our hearts to vulnerability and let that person in.
So don’t let the opportunity of love pass you by. Allow yourself to be happy. Allow yourself to be loved, because everyone on this earth deserves to feel loved, and if the relationship fails in the end at least you loved.
It is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. Some people leave this earth without feeling love and we must pity them. So even if you are heartbroken right now because you loved someone so much. Understand that others have never felt such love in their lifetime and you got to experience it, you lucky devil.
Side note: If you are reading this your recognizing your partner is an avoidant, please don’t push them too much, they need a secure base in order to open up and please don’t internalize their actions and think its got something to do with you, you must still be open and honest about how you feel for them, don’t close up! Avoidants mostly need a little space and that’s ok if you begin to question us we can sometimes run so take it easy on us allow us to pull back and we may come forward with even greater appreciation.
Today I want you to recognize the times you have pulled back and ask yourself why? Think of the times you may have self-sabotaged by liking a photo of someone or flirting with another person?
Ask yourself why do I pull back and why am I so afraid?
Sinead ‘will never give up on love’ Hegarty