Dealing with LonlinessJul 23, 2020
‘Hang in there‘
This was a post directed at all people who have moved to a new environment and are feeling lonely. It’s quite relevant seeing as I’m living in a brand new city. I miss my tribe in Australia and I am feeling quite lonely if I’m honest- the important word in that sentence is ‘feeling’ because you can feel alone but there is a solution to feeling lonely. If you identify with being alone its imprints into your character and it’s not permanent, you can change this emotion with the solution in this email.
First of all, I want to emphasize why being lonely can cause a little anxiety. Evolution has taught us to be in tribes. We need a sense of belonging. We need to know someone has our back in order to feel safe and secure. What happens when someone is separated from their tribe? they feel vulnerable and anxious that no one is looking out for them.
Although we dont travel in tribes anymore we still need this sort of human connection to ease our vulnerability. This generation has grown accustomed to doing everything independently, we buy houses on our own, we build businesses on our own, we close our curtains when the neighbours are outside. Well, I’m here to say we don’t need to do everything alone to prove we are strong and independent. We need that social connection it’s what we humans are wired for! So don’t be afraid to drawback them curtains and shout Sharon from next door in for a little glass of prosecco.
So why do I feel lonely right now? because it’s a new city and I haven’t yet built those close connections. I always say the best connection to have is when you know you can call someone at 3 am and say
‘Pick me up now I’m at 2727 fucked up street. No questions. Kay?’
So now I know this is what I need to feel at ease. I could easily give up and move back to my parents like I almost did 2 years ago when I was struggling in Australia ( to be honest I owe you guys a massive thank you because I was almost on a flight home, but I didn’t want to let you guys down on my journey -you motivated me so much)
The solution to loneliness
When we feel a strong emotion we can search for solutions instead of identifying with the emotion as a fact. It’s not a fact! It can be changed. The solution is to reach out! reach out again and again! There are kind people everywhere. And don’t take it personally when you reach out and someone can’t make it at that time. Empathize with them- think of times when friends asked you to do things you simply couldn’t make it. It's nothing personal, so don’t let that stop you from reaching out.
So if you’re feeling a little lonely right now, don’t wollow in the emotion, use the emotion to empower the change you need in order to feel safe.
That emotion arose in you for a reason. So take the message from your soul and ask someone for a coffee. If they can’t make it ask someone else out for a coffee. If that doesn’t work. Keep reaching ou because YOU DESERVE TO FEEL SAFE, YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND YOU DESERVE FRIENDSHIP!
Hang in there, the close connection you need in order to feel less anxious starts with reaching out for a coffee. Then another one and then a few drunken nights. Then a late-night heart to heart. This will all build that close connection so be patient. You will feel safe soon- just draw open them curtains!
Also, this isn’t just for people in a new environment you can be lonely somewhere you have lived all your life if you don’t have those close connections. If you are a little anxious and can’t figure out why maybe its time to experiment with a little more connection with others, ask your brother’s girlfriend for a wine and cheese night, ask your son’s friend mum to go shopping, ask your cousin for a walk and if haven’t already.
The likes on facebook will not satisfy our psychological need for human connection so get out there!
A must-read in this situation is Lost Connections it emphasises why we need social connections in our lives to ease anxiety.
Sinead ‘Hanging in there’ Hegarty